Hahaha, ok. So my life is not REALLY a speeding train wreck. I tend to be a little dramatic when I'm sick. Here is a brief rundown of the silliness in my life:
1.) Work SUCKS/IS CRAZY - I'm leaving and not saying anything until I'm out.
2.) Love SUCKS/IS A BROKEN-WINGED BIRD - I don't want to commit right now. FYI I just got out of a 5 year relationship!!!!! I just want a break. Why can't we all just be friends?
3.) Family SUCKS/IS LIKE BABYSITTING OLD PEOPLE - My parents are old and eccentric (my dad is apparently as old as the first patent of the shopping cart - 71 years). My sister is young and stressed out, so I help her out and don't mind. My parents are acting as childish as ever, so I help them out and pretend I don't mind. I am like everyone's parent. I didn't mind so much when I was taking care of my mom during her colon cancer treatment (FYI- this is why I am in Ithaca), but now that it's over... I think I remember something about ... oh right, having a life as a twenty-something.
4.) Being sick in summer SUCKS - I have a cold now that I am back from the wine-tasting trip. I sound like a man with 50-years of smoking AND laryngitis. I cough like I am internally bleeding. Awesome.
5.) Being locked out of your own apartment when you have the keys SUCKS - Someone locked both locks on our back door and I only have keys to one of them; and the front door is broken so I couldn't get in that way either. It was 11:00pm and I didn't want to wake my neighbors so I went back home with the family. I thought it was my mom who accidentally locked the other lock, and we got in a screaming match/ angry driving/ throwing a tantrum fight in the car. We made Susan cry. Sorry babe.
6.) Interrupting your neighbor in the shower SUCKS - I got home and rang my neighbor's doorbell so that I could get in through the front door. No one answered. I rang again. I was hoping for the sweet mom, but I got the pissed off dad wearing a towel and asking why I would just stand there ringing the doorbell for so long. I think he hates me because the only time I see him is when he's pissed off at me (doing aerobics upstairs, parking in his spot, etc.). That, and I never wanted to picture him in the shower.
7.) Dropping the mail off of your porch into the bushes SUCKS - yeah, that was me looking nutty when I climbed into a bush this morning. I still have dried bits of yew in my hair.
8.) My Aunt Ester - She's trying to help in that hyper-conservative Christian, you're-doing-everything-wrong-with-your-life kind of way. Helping her with technical problems (ie how/why/what is the internet and where can I get it?) can be explained by the following equation:
Let Y = My Ability to Help Her
X1 = My Knowledge of the Subject
X2 = My Patience at that Moment
K = Knowledge that I won't have to deal with her for another few months
E= Poor English-Language Proficiency
T= Average Technological Barrier for those 60+
B = Cultural Barrier between Us
C = Her Being Crazy in General
Y = ETB(X1) + BC(X2) + K
Feel free to check my math.
Our conversation today:
Me: I don't think I can help you today. I am at sick at home.
Aunt Ester: What? You at home? How about I come over right now?
Me: No, I'M SICK. I am calling to see if we can do this tomorrow.
AE: Tomorrow? No. I come now?
Me: No, I'm SICK.
AE: But the office close at 4:30.
Me: I thought you wanted me to check something online.
AE: Yes. They close at 4:30.
Me: But the WEBSITE does not close at 4:30
AE: You sure?
(INSERT CONFUSED DIALOGUE FOR ANOTHER 5 MIN)
Me: If you just want me to check it online, I can do it right now.
AE: I give you address, you find online? Ok, Albany, NY. Zip code 12201.
Me: No I don't need their actual address.
AE: What? I repeat? OK...
(INSERT 10 MORE MIN OF CONFUSED DIALOGUE OVER POSTAL ADDRESSES VS. WEB ADDRESS)
Eventually, I find nothing and send an email to request the information.
Me: I think that's it.
AE: Thank you so much. God so helpful send you.
Me: Um, you're welcome?
AE: You get master degree. He help you find PhD. You need ask him and he will help you (as if recited).
Me: Thanks. I'll keep that in mind.
AE: You need pray him and accept Jesus because he die for you sins.
Me: Well that's... awesome. Thanks for the advice. Is that all?
AE: You pray Jesus for PhD. He help you.
Me: Could you tell that to admissions?
AE: Who? Who is...
Me: Nevermind, I'm going to go... I'm...
AE: When you get PhD, you find husband with PhD. You have to pray for him too. PhD husband make LOT more money than husband have no PhD. But you have to ask God, "Please God, give me good Christian PhD husband."
Me: Thanks. That's great to know. I'll make sure to... ask.
No comments:
Post a Comment